


Ghosts of Christmases Past

by LibbyWeasley



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Academy Era, Bus era, Canon Compliant, Christmas, F/M, Future, Missing Moments, Past, Sci-Ops Era, fitzsimmons family, present, season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21862516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibbyWeasley/pseuds/LibbyWeasley
Summary: Alone at Christmas, Fitz remembers past Christmases spent with Jemma before dreaming of a Christmas to come.
Relationships: Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons
Comments: 18
Kudos: 40





	Ghosts of Christmases Past

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blancafic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blancafic/gifts).



> This fic is for the amazing @blancasplayground! I have been so blessed to be able to count her as a friend this past year. I tried to write the perfect fic for her (I'm sorry it turned out a little sad...but canon is sad sometimes). Merry Christmas!
> 
> A special shout-out to @agentofship for helping me with this fic <3

_Christmas Present_

The fairy lights cast a dim glow against the wall, looking a bit more spooky than festive. Fitz raised his mug and gave a little salute at the lights as the clock ticked closer to midnight. That had been his only nod to decorating since he hadn’t thought it was worth the effort to bother with a tree. It might be a bit somber for Christmas Eve, but there wasn’t much to celebrate this year if he was being honest. At least they were still alive.

Taking another bite of the noodles in front of him, he waited. If Jemma were there she would be teasing him for all of the takeout he had consumed over these last few months and insisting he eat healthier. A small smile tugged up the corners of his mouth as he thought about her. She had been a constant in his life for so long that he could almost feel her presence even when she wasn’t actually there. 

The headset crackled to life and Fitz shook himself out of his reverie before reaching for his tablet and sitting up straighter. 

“Bunker, this is Zephyr One.” Her voice was clear as day, almost as if she was here with him. He’d never get used to that. Once they were back together he’d do his best to make sure they weren’t separated again. He didn’t want to live like this anymore. 

But for now he had a mission to focus on. 

“New coordinates coming your way,” he said smoothly, hoping she didn’t notice the slight waver in his voice. He needed to stay strong for her. She didn’t need to worry about him right now. He needed her to focus on staying safe and coming home. 

His fingers danced across the controls and he tapped the button that would send the team hurtling through time. There was so much he wanted to tell her. So much he needed her to know. But there wasn’t enough time — even if their protocol had allowed him to speak freely.

He searched for something to say that would convey everything he felt. 

“Thanks, Fitz.” Her voice was soft, her tone clipped, and he imagined he could hear longing in it as well.

He finally found something to say. Something she would know meant more than just the words. A promise for their future. “Happy Christmas, Jemma.”

But the connection had already been lost.

Tugging off the headset, he looked around the room again. The cold noodles had lost all appeal at this point and he had plenty of time to set up the next mission. He might as well take the rest of the night off. It was Christmas after all.

But no matter what he did, his thoughts kept drifting back to her. Back to what they had sacrificed. Back to the life they had before.

_Christmases Past_

-2004-

The second Christmas break at the Academy was so much different than the first. This time there was none of the dread he’d felt at having to return after the holiday. There was only excitement. Jemma had become such an integral part of his life, it was hard to believe he had only met her a year ago. Already, he couldn’t imagine a life without her.

Christmas with his mother had been a quiet affair, but there had been more than enough to eat and his mother had listened to his stories of his classes, his classmates...and Jemma. 

“Sounds like that one is a little more than a friend,” she observed knowingly, in the way only a mother could.

He fidgeted and shifted nervously in his chair. “Simmons? She’s just...just really smart. We’re lab partners.”

“Leopold James Fitz! You know better than to lie to your mum.”

“She’s my best friend,” he said earnestly. And he meant it. He really did. If sometimes he wondered if there had been a chance for them to be something else, he didn’t dwell on it. Being her friend was enough.

His mum studied him for a moment, but didn’t say anything more. Something he was extremely grateful for. 

Now he just had to wait 13 days until he could see Jemma again. He could hardly wait. 

-2006-

It figured that the first Christmas he didn’t fly home would be the first year he was working full-time at Sci-Ops. He had been planning to go home to see his mum, but he’d gotten busy. And then Jemma had decided to stay to finish a project she was in the middle of, so he _had_ to stay. It didn’t feel right to leave her alone like that for the holiday.

He had worked as long as he could, the building nearly deserted on Christmas Eve, before finally insisting Jemma wrap up for the day. She might have worked all night if it hadn’t been for him. But now that they were home it didn’t really feel much like Christmas. Not like it felt to go home and have a house full of decorations and the smell of delicious food wafting from the kitchen.

He tried to picture what it would be like to have his own home. Garland over the mantle, Christmas tree glowing with lights...Jemma. 

He glanced over at her guiltily, then wondered what he was feeling so guilty about. It wasn’t like he expected her to cook him dinner. He just couldn’t really picture his future without her. It seemed like a given that she would be with him somehow. They were best friends after all. That wouldn’t change no matter how many other things changed in their lives. Graduating from the Academy and started in the labs at Sci-Ops hadn’t changed anything. Both of them dating — and going through breakups — hadn’t changed the fabric of their friendship either. 

“What are you thinking about?” Jemma’s voice cut through his thoughts. 

“What?” 

“You just look awfully serious.” Jemma handed him a cup of tea before sitting down next to him on the sofa and he gave her a grateful smile.

“Oh.” He took a drink, savoring the way the first sip warmed his whole body. “Just thinking it doesn’t feel much like Christmas this year.”

“I’m sorry, Fitz. I know you stayed because of me.”

“No, don’t be sorry. I don’t really mind a quiet Christmas —“

“Oh! We can still celebrate. It isn’t too late.”

Jemma ran to the kitchen, leaving him to follow behind her. He found her digging through the drawer where they kept the mail they hadn’t had time to deal with.

She waved a flyer triumphantly over her head. 

“I knew I had seen this. Your favorite Chinese place is open tonight. We can get takeout. And I have a box with some decorations in the front closet. Just some things from my dorm room.”

Her enthusiasm made him smile and he warmed to the idea of them starting their own Christmas traditions. It wouldn’t be the same as being in Scotland with his mum, but that didn’t matter. It was special because it was something the two of them were doing. Together. 

“I can get some Christmas music playing before I go pick up the food.”

“That sounds lovely.”

By the time they finished eating Fitz was thoroughly full of holiday spirit. Eating Chinese food, a soft glow coming from the fairy lights Jemma had strung from the coat rack by the door, they shared memories of Christmas at home. 

“Mum always makes pancakes on Christmas morning. Has since I was a little boy.”

“That sounds lovely. We always open gifts first thing in the morning before sitting down for breakfast.”

Snow had started to fall outside the window, and it made it feel like they were the only two people in the world. At some point while they were talking, Jemma had scooted closer to him, her hair brushing against his arm. It was all so perfect, like this was how Christmas was meant to be.

-2009-

Fitz straightened his tie, taking one last look in the mirror before checking the time. Jemma had wanted to leave for the party at 7 and now it was already 7:02. Hopefully she wasn’t sick or something, he thought with a smile. 

“Simmons?” 

He called her name and didn’t get an answer, so he started looking for her, finally knocking on the door to her bedroom. 

It must not have been fully closed, because at his knock it swung inward, revealing Jemma. Jemma standing there in her knickers. And not just any knickers. Special, fancy knickers. She looked like a Christmas present, all wrapped up with a bow. Something inside his chest tightened at the thought. 

His mouth went dry as his eyes drifted over her. Satiny red fabric barely covered her arse as she smoothed her hands down her legs. Tiny red bows adorned her thighs where stockings met a garter belt. He couldn’t look away and he couldn’t force his feet to move. The fact that they were best friends hadn’t stopped him from occasionally thinking about her in a more than friendly way. He had eyes after all. But now it felt like her image was burned into his eyes. He dragged his gaze higher and was met with a view of her breasts overflowing the lacy cups of her bra. 

Which was when he realized she had turned towards him. 

“Fitz?”

He slapped a hand over his eyes and turned to give her some privacy. Unfortunately he misjudged the distance to the wall and tripped as he stubbed his toe, hitting his head on the doorframe as he fell.

“Fitz! Are you alright?”

Embarrassment at his clumsiness almost overshadowed his embarrassment at having been caught staring. Almost. 

“Just leave me here,” he moaned, willing her to go away. He was behaving like an absolute tosser. Jemma was the most important person in his life and he fully realized how disrespectful he had been, just barging into her room and staring at her like that. 

“Fitz?”

Cool fingers pressed against his forehead.

“Ouch!”

“Looks like you’ll have a bit of a goose egg here. But otherwise you seem alright. No blood,” she said cheerfully.

He opened his eyes and closed them again immediately. Jemma was kneeling beside him in the hallway outside her room, which put certain parts of her anatomy very close to his face. This was the worst Christmas ever. He’d be lucky if Jemma didn’t hate him forever. 

“Fitz? Open your eyes. Are you dizzy? You didn’t lose consciousness did you?”

He didn’t deserve her concern after the way he’d been acting, but here she was, still worried about him. She really was a wonderful friend. 

“I’m fine, Simmons.” He swallowed before opening his eyes and focusing on her face. Best get this out of the way now. “I’m sorry.”

“Whatever for?” She seemed genuinely confused. God, this was embarrassing.

“For not leaving as soon as I realized you weren’t dressed.”

She looked down, furrowing her brow.

“All of the important bits are covered. I was actually going to ask for your opinion.” She gestured at the red confection. “Does this seem a little much?”

“Are you trying to kill someone with it?”

She laughed before standing up and holding out a hand to him to pull him up. 

“I was hoping tonight would be the night Milton would finally make his move.”

Fitz scowled. Right. She had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who would be the beneficiary of all that delicious looking satin and lace. “Milton wouldn’t know it was time to make a move if it was in flashing lights.”

“Well, I thought maybe this would encourage him.” Jemma bit her lip, looking uncertain.

“Yeah, of course.” He closed his eyes. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” She was still holding the hand she had used to pull him up. He let her go and took a step back. “I should finish getting ready. Just give me five minutes.”

Then she disappeared back into her room. He’d feel better once she was all covered up. It would make it easier to think at least. But that wouldn’t help him forget what she was wearing underneath her clothes. He rubbed a hand against his forehead and hissed in pain. 

That would serve as a reminder to make sure Jemma was fully clothed before going anywhere near her bedroom again. No matter what he felt, he wasn’t sure about her feelings. She hadn’t seemed to mind him seeing her like that. But...she was also planning on sleeping with someone else tonight. If she felt something, that had been the perfect opportunity for her to say something. And she didn’t. So he was right back where he started, knowing he couldn’t afford to lose his best friend over hormones and a one-sided crush. 

-2013-

Their first Christmas in the field was decidedly uneventful. Just the way Fitz liked it. They had landed somewhere outside DC and the snow on the ground reminded him of Christmases at home. 

“Here.” Jemma thrust a plastic bag full of decorations at him. “Go put these up.”

She disappeared back into her bunk and he dutifully decorated the common area with the garland and strings of shiny red and green beads he found in the bag. He had a momentary pause as he removed the last item from the bag. 

Mistletoe. That was an odd choice. Jemma had never understood why people insisted on hanging up a parasitic plant and thinking it was romantic. They had even joked about it every Christmas.

Was there someone on the Bus she wanted to kiss? His thoughts immediately went to Ward before he shook his head. No, Jemma would never be so unprofessional as to attempt to kiss a co-worker. But, just in case, he hung the mistletoe up well out of the way. Anyone who ended up standing under it would have to do it on purpose.

Their party was small, but quite enjoyable. Skye and Jemma danced to the music playing through the speakers, teasingly pulling him onto their improvised dance floor. He knew both women viewed him as a friend, which he reminded himself of when he suddenly found Jemma in his arms when the music turned slow. It didn’t mean anything. It was just the way things were between them. She felt comfortable enough with him to turn to him whenever she was a little vulnerable. Or a little drunk, like she was now.

The bar was well-stocked and they had all indulged a bit. Even Coulson and May had joined them earlier before disappearing as the evening wore on. Ward was off in the corner somewhere pouting. So that just left the three of them.

When Jemma pulled him closer, tucking her head against his shoulder, Skye gave him a smile and a wink. He rolled his eyes at her. No matter how many times they explained their relationship, she never seemed to understand.

Jemma leaned heavily against him and he stumbled backwards until he was able to compensate for her weight against him. He tightened his arms around her to keep her upright and whispered in her ear. “I think it’s time for bed.”

She looked up at him with a bright smile, her gaze sliding from his face to focus on something on the ceiling.

“Oh, bloody hell.” 

He tipped his head back to be certain, but sure enough, they were standing under the mistletoe. 

He looked around wildly, his gaze landing on Ward sitting alone across the plane, Skye studiously ignoring them, and finally Jemma with her face tipped up to his.

“Standing under the mistletoe...have to kiss me now.”

He knew it was just for fun for her. But he was afraid it meant so much more to him. They were both a little bit drunk and he didn’t want her to regret it later. Maybe just a quick peck would satisfy her need to follow the rules and leave his sanity intact. 

He leaned down, but just as their lips met in a friendly kiss, Jemma’s fingers threaded through his hair, holding him in place. Her tongue licked across his bottom lip and he held in a moan. He was glad Skye was still there — obviously trying not to be obvious with how she was watching them. His hands moved down Jemma’s sides, coming to rest on her waist. Just so he could move away from her, of course.

After a few moments of their lips moving against each other, Jemma relaxed and sighed as she rested her forehead against his chest.

“Happy Christmas, Fitz.”

“Happy Christmas, Jemma. Now let’s get you to bed. You’re going to have a headache in the morning.”

As he led Jemma toward her bunk, Fitz kept his eyes from meeting Skye’s, knowing exactly what he’d see there. 

-2016-

Every Christmas with Jemma had been special, but this year was different. Fitz checked his pocket again, the small box still where it should be. In every one of his darkest moments, she had been there like a bright light leading him home. And he needed her to know how much she meant to him. 

This would be a Christmas they’d never forget. Who knew when they’d get another one together. While their lives had always been busy and full, it felt like time had been speeding up. Moments were passing them by faster and faster and their lives were more and more uncertain. Hive and everything with Daisy, the new director, his project with Radcliffe. They were constantly in motion and he missed Jemma, even when she was beside him. There was so much they couldn’t talk about these days. They needed to slow down and savor these moments before they slipped away.

“Are you ready?”

Jemma stepped out of the bathroom and, as always, Fitz felt his breath hitch a bit. Resisting the urge to pinch himself, he let his eyes drift over her. He really was the luckiest man in the universe.

“What?” She has a small smirk on her face, leaving him with no doubt that she knew exactly what.

“I love you.”

He pulled her into his arms, getting as close as he could through their combined layers of clothing. He pressed his lips to hers and she returned the kiss eagerly. He’d never get tired of things being like this between them. He shouldn’t have worried. Being her boyfriend was as effortless as breathing. 

Part of him wanted to forget his plans for tonight and just peel the clothes from her body. They could celebrate Christmas without ever leaving their room. But there’d be time for that later. And they _had_ gone to all the trouble of putting on layers of winter clothing to keep off the chill. He wasn’t about to lose his opportunity for the perfect proposal. 

The kiss finally ended and Jemma pulled back just enough to look into his eyes. 

“So where are we going that we need to be all bundled up?”

He smiled, the excitement on her face contagious, banishing any lingering anxiety about what he was going to do tonight. He brought up a hand to stroke through her hair, savoring the feeling of being close to her. Of love. 

“I thought we’d go out and do some stargazing. I have blankets and thermoses of tea.” He held his breath and let it out again once Jemma smiled.

“That sounds lovely.”

She tipped her face up for another kiss and he kissed her more deeply, trying not to get swept up in the promise of it all. 

They had almost made it outside before their phones started buzzing with a message from the director. Jemma gave him an apologetic smile before disentangling her hand from his. 

“Looks like we’ll be spending this Christmas in the lab.”

Fitz tried not to let his disappointment show. It wasn’t like he hadn’t known this was a possible outcome to this evening. And he’d have another chance to get her alone soon. It wasn’t like the universe could keep them apart forever.

_Christmas Future_

Fitz wiped a bead of sweat off his brow. He had forgotten how stressful it could be to work against the clock. 

“Have you finished yet?” Jemma’s voice was soft, but insistent beside him. He could see her looking around nervously. 

“Almost got it.” He tightened one last bolt. “Done.”

“Oh, that’s perfect! James is going to love it.”

Firelight reflected off the shiny, red bike that was now fully assembled and tucked beside the Christmas tree. Next was the child-size play kitchen for Maddie. Jemma had wanted to get their daughter a chemistry set, but when she had worked on her letter to Santa, the kitchen was all she had wanted. It hadn’t taken much convincing for Jemma to give in. 

But after carefully opening the box, Fitz started to regret that decision. 

“This must be in a hundred different pieces,” he complained. “And it’s all cheap plastic.”

“I’m sure it just needs a skilled engineer to get it put together,” she teased. 

Fitz looked at her in disbelief and then shook his head, smiling. “Maybe I should just build her one myself.”

“We don’t have time for that, Santa.”

They had intended to get the presents assembled and arranged under the tree before going to bed so they could have as much of a lie in as possible on Christmas morning. Or as much as they could get with two children under the age of 6. But they had gotten distracted by more...amorous activities and left it until just before dawn. It had been Jemma’s fault. He had been ready to get to work, but she had stuck a ridiculously large bow on her head and basically dared him to unwrap his gift. It made him think of all those years before and how different things might have been if he’d taken a chance way back then. But he knew it didn’t really matter. They were together now. Fitz could still feel the way she had moved beneath him and the warmth of their bed. He’d rather still be tucked under the covers with her, but duty called. 

“Alright. Next time then.”

“Of course. Next time.” Jemma let out a yawn. “I’ll make us some tea and then I’ll help you with that.”

In the end, they finished not long before two pairs of feet came running down the stairs. Fitz was already in the kitchen, pulling out ingredients for pancakes while Jemma was cutting up fruit. 

“Mum! Dad!” James called from the other room. “Santa was here.”

Sharing a smile, Fitz and Jemma walked towards the tree, eager to share in the children’s excitement. Maddie had already pulled open every drawer and cabinet in the small kitchen and was playing pretend. James was admiring his new bike with a slight look of awe.

It made getting up before the sun rose completely worth it. 

The rest of the day went by far too quickly, until it was finally time to tuck the children into bed. He pressed one last kiss to Maddie’s forehead before turning out the light and pulling the door closed. Poking his head into James’s room, he saw his son slowly turning the pages of a book about dinosaurs. 

“Time for bed, James.” He walked closer to the bed, knowing he’d have to actually take the book away to make sure his son went to sleep. Too much like Jemma, that one. 

“Just one more page?”

“One more page,” Fitz agreed. 

After another minute James handed the book over without protest and settled down against his pillow. 

“Happy Christmas.” James closed his eyes tightly, pretending to be asleep, and Fitz smiled, shaking his head. 

“Happy Christmas.” Fitz ruffled his son’s hair and kissed his forehead. James was growing up so fast. It wouldn’t be long before these days were gone. That thought filled him with sadness, but also the desire to experience every moment he had with his children.

He ended the day the same was as it had began, beside his wife. That would never get old. 

As they lay tangled up together, her head resting on his chest while he stroked his fingers through her hair, he finally got up the nerve to ask her the question that had been burning in his mind all day.

“Jemma?”

“Hmmm?” 

“Do you think we could talk about having more children? Try for another?”

“Talk about more children?” Jemma repeated. She sounded sleepy. Maybe he should have waited for another time to bring this up, but the holiday had just made it seem like the right time. “I think it may be too late to talk about trying for another baby.”

“Oh.” He would be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed, but this was something they had to decide together. “Too late for today? Or too late in general?”

Jemma snuggled closer before answering and he felt comforted. Whatever happened, they’d do it together. 

“More like too late to talk about it because I think I’m already pregnant.”

His happiness couldn’t be contained, and he squeezed her in a hug before kissing her hair. 

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Are you happy?”

“So happy. You?”

“Never been happier.”

And then he set about showing her just how much he loved her. 

_Christmas Present_

Fitz awoke, surprised to find himself alone. The dream had felt so real he could practically taste the pancakes and hear the sound of his children’s laughter. And Jemma… That’s the life they were fighting for. And he knew they’d get there someday soon. 

They would succeed and save the world...again. But then they were done. That was the promise they had made to each other before they had been separated again. Just this one last time. And then it would be time to start their next great adventure — as they always did it — together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! You can find me on tumblr @LibbyWeasley


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